One of my many problems

So I've been cleaning my apartment for the last couple of hours in anticipation of my girlfriend coming for a visit. While cleaning, I HAVE to listen to music, otherwise, my motivation weens very fast. While listening to the new(est) Staind album, their self titled, the song "Throw It All Away" comes on and, for whatever reason, the lyrics hit me really hard.

It doesn't feel like this is over
It's never felt like it's begun
Always looking over my shoulder
Waiting for the end to come

And then you throw it all away
Throw it all away
Nothing I could say
Throw it all away

And you feel like you're still here bleeding
You're bleeding till there's nothing left
It doesn't seem to ever be enough for you
It leaves you empty in the end

And then you throw it all away
Throw it all away
Nothing I could say
Throw it all away

It's never enough
To break down inside
It's never enough
To hold onto pride
It's never enough
To give up your soul
It's never enough...

It doesn't feel like this is over...

And then you throw it all away
Throw it all away
Nothing I could say
Throw it all away

Not the deepest song in my massive music collection, but meaningful enough. I began to think about what few talents I have, things I've always wanted to do and how I'm doing NOTHING with any of it. I'm letting my artistic side wither away to nothing. My musical abilities have all but left me. My mechanical inclination is covered in rust and sitting in a back yard some where. The closest thing to a love that I'm doing anything with is my love of computers and technology, but even that is a stretch. Being a tech support rep for a independent ISP isn't exactly what I'd call "working in my field", but right now it's all that I've got.

Two songs later, "Now" comes on...

When you come to a fork in the road
You can almost taste it
Never knowing which way to go
It's not been tested
All alone you try to take it to fake it
And is the road less traveled taken or forsaken

Now it's up to you
The path that you choose
Got to do something different
Now it's all the same
No one to blame
Got to do something different now

So you head down the road that you chose
Just keep pushing forward
And the window is trying to close
Just to shut you out
All alone you try to take it or fake it

And is the road less traveled taken or forsaken
Now it's up to you
The path that you choose
Got to do something different
Now it's all the same
No one to blame
Got to do something different

Something different

It's up to you
The path that you choose
Got to do something different now
Now it's all the same
No one to blame
Got to do something different now

It's up to you
The path that you choose
Got to do something different
Got to do something different now

Now I really feel shitty. Not only am I feeling like I'm wasting my life, I've come to the realization that  I have NEVER in my life, EVER completed anything I've set my mind to or felt determined to do. Nothing. Not once.

Not once in my life have I felt a sense of accomplishment over something I've done. I quit or lose interest in everything I've ever done or tried to do.

I want to say that Staind and Aaron Lewis have kicked me in the ass to motivate me to change my life, and I TRULY feel like that at the moment... but I also realize that I am me, and when I wake up tomorrow morning, all motivation will be gone.

Smoking, eating horrible food all the time, general laziness, judgmental, anger, weight, lack of exercise, WAY less politically correct than I pretend to be... the list of my faults is long, but the ONE thing I TRULY wish I could change would be my lack of motivation. If I could stick to things that I set out to do, I believe my life would be infinitely better.

I could have stuck to non-smoking (I went 5 days before finally caving). I could have stuck to working out and maybe wouldn't feel so shitty all the time. I would have a much larger art portfolio. My car would be in much better condition. I could still be playing in a band or producing beats for one of the many many good local rap groups in the area. I wouldn't be at my shit job getting fucked over on pay now for 3 years, I would have moved on to something better, but no... none of these things are so, it is entirely my fault, I'm depressed as hell about it, but I will probably not do anything about it.

So... this is fitting...

"The Gift" by Seether

Hold me now I need to feel relief
Like I never wanted anything
I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to
I'm so ashamed of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to get by

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Until I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

Now I'm ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of this
Now I'm so ashamed of me
I am so ashamed of me...