Quick Catch-up:
The Co-Optional Podcast is a weekly gaming podcast featuring TotalBiscuit, Jesse Cox, and Dodger with a weekly rotating guest, this episode was an old one with WowCrendor
Totalbiscuit does gaming news and first impression videos with the occasional editorial
Jesse Cox is a "lets player"
Dodger is a combination of news and "lets plays"
Crendor makes machinimas (video clips using video game graphics) and come lets play videos.
These 4 people take up a pretty large portion of my life. To me, they are important. What I need to realise is.... to anyone but me and their fans, no one gives a shit.
Everything I just typed, I tried going over with Jim. Apparently my crash course was a bit much, because as he asked questions, he referred to everything as a "review". Apparently, every time he did this, I corrected him. After the 3rd or 4th correction, he snapped at me in a way I've NEVER seen Jim do, let alone at a friend in the 10+ years of knowing him.
"DUDE! You always fucking do this and it's getting really old." The following 5 minutes were him telling me how I always talk down to him and talk to him like he's stupid and I'm constantly correcting him and hes' really sick of it and that Rob (mutual friend/my roommate) does it too. Things calmed down, but the rest of the night was very awkward....
Woah... how long has "always" been going on? Do I, really? I... I'm not TRYING to talk down to him or make him feel stupid. If I do this, how the hell do I NOT know I'm doing it? Especially to Jim who has helped me out in countless ways over the years.
Most of my "friends" I see so rarely I wonder if they all feel the same way?
This all happened a few weeks ago, but suddenly today Jim posts this tirade on Facebook about how he thinks it's kind of fucked up he has to make it a point to be MEANER than he is citing that "I'm tired of people ( particularly certain friends) talking down to me or acting like I'm stupid, when I've silently put up with their stupidity and history of dumb decisions without making a peep."
Not very subtle. Rob, oblivious to the situation, liked the comment and Jim even called him out on it saying "it's kind of awkward that you 'liked' this post...."
Part of butting heads is the fact that the Co-op crew are part of my Nerdom and I'm very protective of my obsession, and Jim is not - Much like a Star Wars nerd being told that Picard is better than Han Solo.
Part of it could have been a bad night/mood/etc.
The majority of it, however, is obviously based in truth. I've been verbally assaulting my friend for years and he is sick of it.
As bad as it is with him, I am constantly being reminded of my attitude and how I talk to people on the phone at work. 5 and a half years of talking to people on the phone about things they have less than any clue about have made me EXTREMELY bitter, short, and impatient. It is apparently overflowing into my personal life.
This sudden realization from Jim has made me think of a lot of other things... how I treat other people. Things I do. How I act. All I can think of is: I'm a horrible person.... I am the kind of person I hate.
The worst part of everything.... I'm not going to change.....
No matter HOW badly I want to (and I do)
No matter who I lose
No matter what is said
No matter who it affects.... I won't change.
Much to the detriment of pretty much everything in my life, I am incapable of change on a personality level.
I don't want to be the angry jerk all the time.... but I am. I miss being the nonchalant happy going person I used to be. I used to say "Yeah man, it's cool" for almost everything, now I'm more likely to say "ugh, jesus fucking christ...."
I don't know what to do.... I don't know how to change it....
Pretty much sums up how I'm feeling...
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